Is it just me, or do clerks at cosmetic counters in big department stores seem really snooty and condescending? Brrrrr! And why must stores put their fragrance counters smack in the main entrance? As I detour around them on my way to men's underwear, I think of all the victims of Agent Orange. Whoever named Elizabeth Taylor's product "Poison" sure hit the nail on the head, as Grandpa used to say.
Looking back to the fifties, sixties and seventies, how did we ever think those cars were attractive? But we adored those awkward, gas-guzzling, tail-finned monsters. Picture yourself driving one today. And didn't we look chic in out leisure suits, bell bottoms and side burns? Yuck. ( Watch an old episode of Baretta, Kojak or The Brady Bunch. It's embarassing.)
What changed us? Did we become more sophisticated, or have we just been brainwashed?
Did you ever wonder at the extent of our faith and trust in some of our institutions? For instance, when I'm flying down the interstate at 70 mph, I have this incredible faith that the highway department has made sure there is no big, deep hole in the road ahead. They haven't let me down yet.
Is there any truth to the saying that we always find a lost article in the last place we look? If you can disprove this theory, keep it to yourself; there's already enough controversy in this country. They'd put you on "Crossfire" and tear you to shreds.
What's another word for thesaurus? And would you call a really big thesaurus a thesaurus rex? Or would you rather not talk about it?
What's the purpose of ads on my page like this one?
Presumably they attract people like you to these pages, so that I have a reason to write this stuff. (Sometimes when I start to work up an idea, I pause and ask myself: For whom?...To what end?...What's on TV? Then I'll get an email from someone who appreciates some little effort of mine. That makes it all worthwhile.)
How do news correspondents pack? I mean, how do they always manage to have appropriate clothing for the climate? Consider CNN's Christiane Amanpour. One day she's in the cold mountains of Bosnia, the next in sweltering Port au Prince. I'm betting she didn't drop by her Paris apartment on the way.
How hungry did actor George Kennedy get before agreeing to be the spokesman for "Breath Assure" in that el cheapo spot that runs on cable. Did he warn his family, "Tomorrow I'm going to sully my reputation, and embarass us all?" (Look for "Breath Assure" in your area; it's also sold under the brand name "2000 Flushes.")
Why do some doctors end up (no pun intended) in proctology? Is it a conscious pursuit ("Dad, you'll never guess what I've decided to become!"), or do all the other slots fill quickly, leaving some to take whatever specialty they can? As you contemplate this---and you will---notice whether your own proctologist enjoys his work.
Inasmuch as every URL begins with "http://," why can't we just dispense with that little formality? Why don't we decide that, after a certain date, we won't use the prefix anymore? OK, then. Now, which one of you wants to coordinate this?
At the front of his book Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain placed the time of the story at "about fifty years ago." I've always been puzzled by that. Fifty years from what? I first read that book at age eleven. That would have placed the events in 1894. I read it again last year, which of course puts them in 1945. This time, the story seemed oddly out of date. There were no cars or airplanes, and not one mention of World War II.
If, in the middle of the night, you went into a dorm full of sleeping fashion models and yelled "fire," do you suppose, as they exited, they would walk that way? Moreover, if CNN's fashion expert Elsa Klensch were present, would she talk that way?
Were you to count the headstones in all the graveyards of America, that number would probably equal less than 1% of everyone who ever lived here. What happened to all the rest? Where are they buried? Whose graves am I walking on right this moment?
How would Thomas Jefferson sound if we could hear his voice? Would he have a British accent? Did denizens of the Old West speak in familiar accents? Maybe not. Listen to the speech patterns of radio and newreel announcers of the thirties and forties. They don't sound, as we used to say back home, like they were "from around here."
When I was growing up (and dinosaurs grazed just east of town), I thought that one person was pretty much like another. That was because in my little town, we were all alike: white, poor (although we didn't notice it), usually well-mannered and, for the most part, plain. But outside that mill town cocoon, the hard lesson was that one person is like no other and we have to make the best of it.
In the back of our medicine cabinet there is a nearly-full bottle of rubbing alcohol. We bought it over 10 years ago, and there's no reason to think we will ever use it up. Yet drug stores sell millions of bottles a day. Who is buying all that stuff, and what are they doing with it?
We all know that songs in movies are recorded in advance, then, during filming, the singers move their lips in synchronization with the recording. But what about tap dancing? Do they tape the taps before or after filming the scene? Are the sounds made by actual dancers, or created electronically? We've got to get to the bottom of this.
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Copyright © 1996 Reno Bailey