 |
|
Scene: A packed house of over 4,000 formally-clad dignitaries, luminaries, functionaries, hirelings, handlers, hustlers and hangers-on, On display on the enormous stage is a huge spotlighted replica of the prestigious Emu Gold Award. The late Xavier Cugat conducts the Los Angeles Philharmonic, performing Aaron Copland's "Fanfare for the Common Man." (Hum along if you know the words.)
Announcer (con brio): Good evening, ladies and gentlement. Tonight's ceremony is presented by Xerox, the Document Company....by Texaco, take your car to the man who wears the star...and by Kotex, when...well, whatever. And now our master of ceremonies, the popular star of stage, screen and television, Stuuu-aaaart Whit-maaaan!
(Light applause. Some in the audience ask each other, "Who?")
Stuart Whitman: (His expensive caps gleam like the surface of a new Frigidaire as he leers knowingly at a bejewelled, fifty-something blonde in the front row, whose stunning crossed legs are showcased nicely by a skirt that's just a tad too short for her age bracket.) Thank you. I think you'll all agree that this is a memorable night of the week. Especially for the recipient of tonight's award, a man who has transcended the frontiers of website design, who has moved the boundaries to new heights, who almost daily pushes the edge of the envelope, who makes us proud to be successful, highly-paid laborers in the vineyards of that virtual world called cyberspace, or, in my case, an out-of-work actor, ha, ha. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you....Reno Bailey.
(Applause, a little more than before, but not a lot. Orchestra serves up a few bars of "America, the Beautiful," then fades.)
Bailey: Thank you very much. We accept with great humility and gratitude the coveted "Doris the Emu" Gold Award. (holds it up) Isn't it beautiful? (slight applause) As you know, it is presented exclusively to fewer than 1,000 websites each day (except holidays and weekends), in recognition of creativity, originality, explosive bursts of unbounded brilliance---oh, and modesty---wherever and whenever these qualities become evident on the World Wide Web, from sea to shining sea.
Our entire staff at AcmeSoft Dynamics thanks the Committee, and is eternally grateful to John Houston Williams, a person in his own right, who created and designed this magnificent award and whose own home page can be found at http://www.3wave.com/~prefect. It is a site of great depth, charm and humor. Further, we cannot forget all those who have helped and encouraged us along the long, hard road toward achieving greatness in these confused and troubled times. Thank all of you, and God bless this wonderful country in which we live.
(Scattered applause. Audience--some hesitant, unsure that this disaster is really over--heads for the door. Musicians hurriedly pack their instruments. Whitman scurries for the exit to head off the bejewelled blonde, to ascertain if her immediate future could possibly include a tour of his room at the nearby Marriott.)
Announcer (con no brio): ...and don't forget to drive safely.
(He eyes the retreating audience, shrugs, walks offstage. By now the house lights are up, and eight surly, overweight union stagehands are carelessly pulling down the award replica, at the prestigious, coveted doubletime rate of $95 per hour, per man. It's "golden" time.)
Copyright © 1996 Reno Bailey
InterSanctum main page