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Here are some great courtroom bloopers from Mary Louise
Gilman's two books —
Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court — found on
the Web. Enjoy!
- Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
- A: I will be three months November 8th.
- Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August
8th?
- A: Yes.
- Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
- Q: Are you married?
- A: No, I'm divorced.
- Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
- A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
- Q: Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally
unstable?
- A: I should be.
- Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
- A: Four times.
- Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
- A: No.
- Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
- A: Picking them up in the air.
- Q: Where was the dog at this time?
- A: Attached to the ears.
- Q: What is your brother-in-law's name?
- A: Borofkin.
- Q: What's his first name?
- A: I can't remember.
- Q: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't
remember his first name?
- A: No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the
witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them
your first name!
- Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
- A: I refuse to answer that question.
- Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
- A: I refuse to answer that question.
- Q: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
- A: No.
- Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage
terminated?
- A: By death.
- Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
- Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
- A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
- Q: What is your name?
- A: Ernestine McDowell.
- Q: And what is your marital status?
- A: Fair.
- Q: And who is this person you are speaking of?
- A: My ex-widow said it.
- Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
- A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
- Q: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
- A: Yes, sir.
- Q: Before or after he died?
- Q: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was
under the influence?
- A: Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate
his words.
- Q: What happened then?
- A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you
can identify me."
- Q: Did he kill you?
- A: No.
- Q: Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant
to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
- A: No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
- Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted
to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to
go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the
station?
- MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out
and shot.
- Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.
OK.? What school do you go to?
- A: Oral.
- Q: How old are you?
- A: Oral.
- Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
- A: She is my daughter.
- Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
- Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you
not, where there was a victim?
- Q: ...and what did he do then?
- A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
- Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
- Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered
you indignities?
- A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have
the furniture.
- Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it,
what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
- A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the
hospital.
- Q: It was covered?
- A: Yes, bandaged.
- Q: Then, later on... what did you see?
- A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were
removed and put on top of my head.
- Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
- A: I could see his head.
- Q: And where was his head?
- A: Just above his shoulders.
- Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and
veracity of this defendant?
- A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that
sonofabitch — and she did!
- Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
- A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty
drunk.. . . .
- Q: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a
murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
- A: The victim lived.
- Q: Are you sexually active?
- A: No, I just lie there.
- Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
- A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
- Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an
unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
- A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the
naval.
- Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
- A: It indicates intercourse.
- Q: Male sperm?
- A: That is the only kind I know.
- Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
- A: Yes, sir.
- Q: And you were present when the picture was taken,
right?
- Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Here are some more from the Salt Lake Tribune (also
found on the Web): "Lawyers typically aren't funny -- unless by accident. Case
in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court
records nationwide...."
- Q: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything
about it until the next morning?
- Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.' Q: Did
he kill you?
- Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
- Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
- Q: Were you alone or by yourself.
- Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?
- Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
- Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that
picture.
- A: That's me
- Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
- Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were
sworn in?
- Q: So you were gone until you returned?
- Q: She had three children, right?
- A: Yes.
- Q: How many were boys?
- A: None.
- Q: Were there girls?
- Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what
it looked like, but can you describe it?
- Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
- A: Yes.
- Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
- A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of
unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd
like to strike the next question."
- Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined
the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
- A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30
p.m.
- Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that
correct?
A: No, you stupid [blank], he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy!
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